It's now three days since the funeral and the passage of so little time has not diminished the aura of pain and grief that surrounds the family. Dusty, Jake Jr, his friend Jason, and Jake's twin brother Ricky...have gathered in the evenings to try to be available and close to Dusty, Jake & Rick's mother and Jake Sr's widow.
Jake Jr:
"Mom, you okay?"
"Yes honey and I was two minutes ago when you asked that too."
Blush.
"Sorry mom."
Dusty got up and crossed over to where Jake Jr. was sitting and sat down next to him.
"I know honey. I know,"
and they embraced.
This is the kind of awkwardness that is only made doubly so because it is in the aftermath of a death and funeral.
Everybody wants to talk and say the right thing and do the right thing and in truth ... there IS no right thing. Not now.
No formula, no system, no nothing to guide the participants. We go through this millions of times a year, and still. NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO DO IT.
There is no instructional video, owners manual. zip. No guidebook, no tutorial, not even a complimentary box of tissues
to mop up the debris with.
Pins and needles, eggshells, nervous laughter and lots of tears...and deadly silences. You know, the kind that just SCREAM...but under their collective breath so as not to disturb, WHO?
It's all a part of the grieving process and there are NO shortcuts. You just have to live it and let it play itself out.
Jason got up and came over to Jake and Dusty, and put his arms around both of them.
He looks at his love, Jake, and says...
"It's okay honey. None of us knows what to do right now...we on our own," and for the first time in days and maybe weeks and months, Dusty smiles and stifles a giggle.
"GOT THAT RIGHT, LOL. You would think we would have rehearsed this part better by now."
That got everyone laughing...and that was a good thing. Then it got really quiet for a bit. The look on everyone's faces told it all. But finally Dusty broke the silence...getting her arms around both Jake Jr and Rick.
"Do you know much I love you? Both of you?"
Jake spoke first with Rick nodding. "Of course we do mom."
"I remember. I remember the day we went to the hospital to pick you two up. We had wanted you so much, and of course for a while we didn't know there would be two of you but once we did know? My God, your dad went berserk. Oh yes he did. Heheheh. Suddenly, everything we were doing and planning for had to be doubled.
Jake was SOOO cute, oh yes he was. So excited...and course I was too but it was so cute to watch your dad and then when the day finally came? I was afraid he was gonna have a stroke right then and there. My GOD, he paced and paced and fumed and went outside and then back inside and paced some more he was SO excited.
And when he saw you?
OMG. LOL.
He loved you and my precious baby just lost it right there, in the room...holding both of you in his arms.
He did. (sob) He loved you SO much, God and that never changed. Not until the day he died." and then Dusty broke down again.
"Mom..God mom," both boys said in unison.
Through tears...
"He did...and he was a fabulous father. He was ALWAYS SO PROUD of both of you. SO proud,"
"We know, mom," Rick said. "Yeh, we know," Jake added.
"Even when you two messed up, and you did sometimes, his love never wavered...not for an instant."
"Not for you either mom."
Dusty started to cry a bit again.
"Yeh, I know...and mine for him either."
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